Here’s the Point

Eto na

Eto na

Eto na

Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

….

The points why I shared this story:

1.       Just wanna share my story

2.       Just looking for someone or something to talk to.

3.      Ayokong mabaliw kung itatago ko lang ito sa sarili ko.

4.       I just like to say, “I’m in pain.” This is my alaxan.

5.       Just to say, “masayang magmahal, parang starflyer sa star city. Paikot ikot, pabago bago ang emosyon.  Masaya, mahirap, masakit, masarap, at kung ano-anu pa.”

6.       I just want to apologize to her and to my best friend. If you think I’ve done wrong, okay.. I did.. 

Drawing Drawing Din.

FLOWERS FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND

I call this picture such for the story depicted by this picture is simply about a man who wishes to give flowers the woman he loves who already has a boyfriend.

The picture shows a park where there are plenty of people. Some sits on the benches, some walks their pets around and some  sells balloons to the tourists. On the left side of the picture, is a man carrying his floral designed bag in the right hand and flowers on the left hand. There is a fountain and behind it is a bench on which a couple sits. The girl rests on the shoulder of her boyfriend while watching the stars. That girl is the one

that the man on the left side loves.

HOLE OF PAIN

This picture is a more fiction than the latter. This is a close up image of the chest part of a man. The “V” above the canvass shows that the man wears a V-neck shirt. On the left and right side we can see a floral designed arcs that implies the strap if his floral back pack. On the lower right side of the picture is a pocket on the left chest near where the heart rests.  There is a hole that enables you to see through the body of the man. And the hole appears to be brutally created  because of the blood and the torn part of the shirt. What do we see through the hole? We can see their limbs of a lady and a man holding each other’s hand while walking.

It simply implies how painful for the man is seeing them together.

Don't wanna lose one, i lose both, i lose then (Part 5)

everything changed after a nap.


Next day was Christmas. I felt so alone although i'm not. i want to talk to the girl, i badly missed her. i madly want her that time. i really wanted to message her but i have to hold on to my promise that i won't talk to her until i am over her. I was successful for about a week. Just for a week (pagdating tala sa kanya ang weak ko!tsktsk).


On the 24th, i called her to greet her a Merry Chrismas. I was energized. i feel like something's changed in my mood after our conversation, the last time i felt that light feeling was before the tragedy in Bulacan.


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 I begged. I begged her to choose me. I believed she still loves me although she chose my best friend. I have my reasons to believe, I cried. But my tears aren’t enough to win her back, to convince her to be with me again. I begged for I believed that  she was just stuck in the words she said to my best friend. She had to fulfill her promise or some sort of that.  I want her back and I don’t care anymore about my best friend. Masaktan sya kung masasaktan sya, wala akong pakialam kasi nasaktan na ako ng sobra.

I begged more than ones.  Same things happen every time I beg her to choose me, rejection. But I don’t feel the trueness in her words that she loves my best friend.  

I was numbed by the series of exposure to pain.

I  stopped begging. I can’t take it anymore. I have to accept, I have to move on, and I want to give her peace of mind. I stopped… for a while. How about my happiness, my peace of mind. I can’t give what I don’t  have. I wanted to pursue her although it is too late.

If I were to describe  the feeling, it’s like I’m addicted to cocaine but I‘m starting to rehabilitate myself. Masakit sa  puso. Sobra!

Speaking about cocaine, an illegal drug, I remembered the time I saw in the news the movies to watch for 2011 last January 12. And in the many movies mentioned, one  hits me and left a mark in my mind the most, it is called “Love and Other  Drugs”. It was shown in theaters last January 26, a few days after the girl’s birthday. the moment I heard the title, I told myself, “papanoorin ko to kasama sya.”

Nagipon ako para mapanoon naming ito anytime na magakaroon kami ng oras. January 29 ang nakita kong araw na pwede kami parehas dahil P.E. lang ang klase namin sa hapon,  I was ready to ask her. All I needed was the chance to ask her. I was with her that day. I didn’t know why I wasn’t able to ask . maybe I was afraid that she rejects my offer.

I let the day pass. An number of my classmates went to SM to have fun. Later they watched a movie. I didn’t join because “they” were there. i went home.

A few hour later, I started receiving Group massages from my best friend and the girl that implies that they’ve watched the movie.. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Ganon ka lupit ang pagkakataon sa akin.

The next day I asked some friends of mine who watched a movie in SM. They said that they left in the middle of the film and what they did was they went to another mall and watched Love and Other Drugs there.

And I promised myself that I am not going to watch that movie anymore. I will just hurt myself. =’(

Pagkatapos ng araw ng araw na yun wala na akong maalala dahil nagdecide na ako na wala na,, hayaan ko nalang. Kahit sayang, wala na din naman akong magagawa. Sinisira ko na yung sarili ko sa dami ng bagay na natutunan ko na di ko naman ginagawa noon. Natuto akong uminom, at madalas na akong inuumaga ng uwi. Inuumaga man ako ng uwi, di naman ako gumagawa ng mga kabalbalan, kasama ko lang ang ilan sa mga kaibigan ko. Sinusubukang makalimot.

One of the most difficult part of this story is showing “I’m okay, I’ve moved on” to everyone especially to the two of them. I join them going home from school to Cubao. It’s really painful for me to see them every time they’re together. I wish I was in the position of my so called “best friend”.

Every time the three of us are together in a “picture” I made sure that I position myself somewhere where I don’t see them nor hear them. I walk maybe 3 or more meters ahead of them so I won’t see them together. I speak with great delight to show I’m good. I joke around to show I’m back to my old self. I was like theater actor hiding behind the smiles I show. One of m dreams has come to life and it’s true to life.

But the truth is, I’m dying inside second by second. 

Don't wanna lose one, i lose both, i lose then.(PART 4))

Part 4.

I haven’t told you that they watched a movie together and after that day I noticed that they’re holding hands every time they are together. That made me conclude that they are committed but I asked my best friend and answered me that there’s nothing happening between them. So I continued mingling with the girl. Although it hurts me every time I see them holding hands, I continue co-existing with them just to show I am not affected. Just to show I am over it.

This continued. It hurts me every time. Until the last week of November when the girl and I started to get closer and closer again. During those  times, we talked more often and spent more time together than they do. My best friend is so affected . I feel it.

On the afternoon of the first Friday of December, she started to move a little far from me. What came into my mind is that she’s came to realize that she is supposed to spend more time with my best friend since she’s committed to him. That was just my idea.

I planned to serenade her on our Christmas party on the 16^th  with the help of my friend Nelle.

December 15, the 18^th birthday of our classmate Cams. We went to Bulacan to celebrate her birthday. the girl will be late so I waited for her outside the house of Cams. I let my other classmates go to the resort where the ceremonials of her debut will be done. I waited for her for two hours. I also waited for my friend JayR.

JayR came and the girl followed. Then we went straight to the place. we changed our clothes and prepared ourselves. And the ceremonials started.

We were  together the whole night. We were happy, I believe. We walked around, talked and talked had fun. After the ceremonials, all us gathered in a circle and jammed. I sat beside the girl. I was trying to feel her. I want to grab her hand under the table as I feel her hand beside mine. But I think again. It’s not right (hindi naman kami eh). And what I know is that there’s something happening between her and my best friend because  often see them holding hands.

We were together until three. We tried to sleep but the room was crowded. We tried to swim but it was too cold. So we just walked around played on the swing in the playground of the resort. Picture taking and so on. I see me best friend so alone somewhere around.

Few minutes later we found our place in the room. I sat on the floor and she slept near me. I fell asleep for a few minutes and when I woke up, I didn’t see her. I hurriedly went out of the room barefooted. I found her talking to my best friend outside. I was shocked of what I saw. i thought she chose me and I feel it but I was wrong. i wanted cry my heart out but I can’t.

I was miserable. Told JayR about what happened and he’s a good friend, he listened to all my sentiments. I was crying.

After that, I decided to rehearse with Nelle. I will sing Is It Okay If I Call You Mine and Out of my League. Although I know that it’s all over, I continued with my plan promising that it will be the last from me. I’m giving up.

The sun came out. We go back to Cams house to sleep. But I can’t…

Few hour later some decided to go to school, and some went to the girl’s house to get the foods for our Christmas party, I went to school and tell some of my good friends, Boc and Tots, what happened to me. I rehearsed the song with tots’ guitar. Then jayR and I want to SM to buy the girl a gift. I bought a pillow for her.

Around 7pm, the party started. I went to the CR and rehearse my piece. The MC called my name, by then I knew it’s time. Everyone thought that it will only be an ordinary intermission number but when I started speaking, I believe I got everyone’s attention. I told them that it is my first time to sing  in front of such a crowd and my first time to play a guitar for an official performance.

I sang Is It Okay IF I Call You Mine, a question I really want to ask her. I wanted her to be mine. Unfortunately, it’s no longer possible because she has chosen a man to be with.

After that song, the intro of the song Out of My League played from the keyboard of my friend Nelle. I tell the girl all that I wanted to say, how she affected my life, how she changed it and how she can change it. I told her how much I love her. I gave her my gift. And that’s it. As if nothing happened. The night ended and with the night I stopped communicating with her. I didn’t text as I promised.

The whole week was so sad for me cause I may not text the girl I love although I can. My mind wanted to move on but my heart wanted to give it all.

Don't wanna lose one, i lose both, i lose then. (Special Parts))

special parts

these are parts of the story that i want to share.. this shows the roller coaster of emotions I encountered

Jealous Guy. This happened a few days after the forum in the physics class in the world of fun in SM Sta. Mesa. It was a Saturday, supposedly we have a class in basic Mechanical Engineering. While waiting, the girl and my best friend came together. They are together wearing identical shirt. This makes me really jealous.

Since we didn’t get a class that day, some decided to get some fun in the world of fun in SM, I didn’t join them cause I’m so jealous when I see them together. But later I followed pretending that didn’t know they’re there.

I just walked around in SM and stayed outside WOF. I didn’t they’re there right? Hahaha. Stupid me! Then they saw me, and asked me to join them. I said no, I want to be alone, it’s fun!. That’s true of me that I have fun being alone. Especially when I am thinking and analyzing things.

I was really dead jealous! I don’t know  what to do especially I don’t get a license  to get jealous. She’s not my girl. Few minutes later, they went home. They asked me to join but again, I refused. I told to go ahead. But actually I wanted to go home too, but I can’t stand the view.

After they’ve gone out of the mall, I went out to from another exit. I go straight to the LRT station and had my ride. Immediately after the train started, the girl called me. I answered my phone and she asked me, what’s wrong. Of course I answered there’s nothing wrong and I just wanted to be alone. She also said they’re haven’t rid a jeepney and that they can still wait for me. I ended the conversation because she might hear the voice over from the LRT.  (Haha)

Trinoma. This happen before the sem break. Supposedly the last day of our classes. After school, some of us went to trinoma  to celebrate the last day of the sem. We picnicked in the garden in trinoma, I forgot how it’s called. We sat there and ate. Shared some stories and laughed. Later on, we talked about the meanings of my group messages I sent. One example is this:

“I thought it was 3 but it is a sleeping 8.”

They asked me what this means. Specially the “sleeping 8”

The story goes like this. Remember when I told you the when I first felt the feeling that I like the girl, I didn’t want to recognize the feeling. For this reason, I told another friend JayR that in 2 to 3 days, I won’t be feeling that way. A day passed, then two. Then 3 days passed. Then four, five, six and so on. It gets stronger and stronger. I LOVE HER.

Now what about the “sleeping 8”?

What I mean about that in a lying 8. A sleeping 8 is a laying 8, “∞”. INFINITY. I LOVE HER TO INFINITY.

Silence followed. Some people kept asking that resorted to I telling the story. I told everyone of them, including my best friend and the girl, that I love the girl. All my group messages are inspired by her and they’r for her. Bla bla bla… a deeper silence followed. I saw the eyes of my best friend, there was something in it. I felt the what he feels.

It’s getting late, we decided to go home. The girl and my best friend walked together as we make our way out of the mall. I didn’t know what they’re talking about. 

After that night I wrote this poem:

I made a scene last night

And I can still feel the warmth of the spot light

When delivered my one last line

The audience stared in shock and silent for a time.

Surprise came into my senses

When I realized that my diction wasn’t right

For I should have whispered

Just loud enough for my audience to hear.

Applause from a few broke the silence

Amplified whispers filled the air with non-sense.

The curtain closed and reopened

The cast waved to their beloved audience.

The foggy air blurred my vision,

The mistake I made almost killed my profession.

I’m afraid I wasn’t to able to fulfill my mission

To entertain my audience with my emotions.

I tried to explain to myself the reason

Why I delivered that line with such diction.

Later I found out, in the audience was you.

And remembered the one last line”I love you.”

Signs. Before the second sem started, I asked for a sign from God. The condition is if the girl wears a shirt of the same color as what I wear on the first day of classes, I will pursue her.

What happened?

On the first day I was so excited. I went to school early. I was wearing a plain blue green t-shirt. Then I waited. One by one my classmates came. Then there she goes. She’s wearing blue jeans… and a green shirt. My reaction was, AWWWW!!! What is this? Is this a YES or a NO? I really don’t know!!

After our class, my best friend and I and two others went to SM and we watched a movie. There I told him about the sign and o don’t know if it’s a positive of a negative sign. And I was not sure of I am going to court her. This made me think for about a week.

I resorted to asking for another sign. This is the condition:

If the girl wears a shirt with a gold or silver and any metallic color on it, I am going to pursue her.

The next day was Tuesday. Our class begin at 10:30am and ends by 7:30PM. I almost forgot that I asked a sign from God that I remembered it about 4PM already. Exactly at that moment she passed by me and I noticed she’s wearing a violet shirt with the words:

GOLD

                                                               GLAMOUR <<< *i forgot if this is really the 2nd word

GLORY

These words are printed in gold and silver!!!!! Wew!!!!!!!!!wew na wew!!! Positive!!! ++++++++  (BIG SMILE HERE!!!!!!)   =))

The Lost Leaf. That day in the morning, we have a Logic class. the girl was late that morning and when she came to school, I received a message from her, borrowing an ID so she can enter the college. I went out but I didn’t find her. Then I went up again and found her there. I sat beside her and we talked and laugh we didn’t listen to our professor. 

After our logic class we have to go to the main building for our P.E, class. so we went there separately. Later on, i found the girl and my bestfriend together. They look so happy. During those times, as I have told you in the part 3 my friend and I had an opposite mood poles. I was with my friend JayR, we were looking for a nice dried leaf on the ground. We sat somewhere near the basketball court and I drew something on a dried leaf. It’s like a letter for the girl but what was written there is just the word, “SPEECHLESS.,.”.

Our professor came and called us to the gym. On my way, I threw the leaf somewhere and it s mixed with the other dried leaves.

Inside the gym, I told her that I’ve written something on a leaf for her but I threw it. She asked me to look for it. After that class I went back to where I threw the leaf. I searched for it for about 15 minutes trying to see every leaf. But I  really can’t find it. They were waiting for me near the gate  and when she noticed that I am desperate to find that leaf, she came to me and asked me to stop. I said, I won’t. then she tried to kick some of the leaves as she leaves the place. she found it! And I said to myself, it’s really for her. she's really for me.

Don't wanna lose one, I lose both, i lose then (PART 3)

After that day there had been a very distinct opposite mood poles between my friend and I.  Whenever I’m with the girl, having fun, I see him so silent and as when he’s with the girl, I can’t help but feel so down (that’s in my point of view). But one thing’s for sure, I enjoyed every moment with her. As in I DON”T CARE ABOUT THE WORLD!!

The things that happened to me have greatly affected my life especially as a student. What has changed?

1.         I am always with my barkada.

2.         I come to school at prepared (at least).

3.         I never let my group mates do a project without me.

4.         My quizzes seldom fail

5.         I don’t let any person stay in my mind 24/7.

Negate all the statements above and that me after that day. Definitely, I’m OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

This routine continued until December.

I remembered one time the girl and I went home together. While we were in the jeepney she looked at my phone and tried to go over its contents. And she saw her number was registered as [her name + “ko”]. Then silence followed. Out of nowhere she asked, “Magkaibigan tayo diba?” and I said “oo, oo naman. Bakit? I really don’t know what she means but I cannot forget the way she asked me that question. A deeper silence followed. But there was war in my mind. Bullets made of questions hit my soldiers.

PART 4 will be posted after our quiz in Engineering Mechanics..

and some special parts will be posted too,,, thanks

Don't wanna lose one, I lose both, I lose then.(PART 2)

here comes part II.

we didn't have class the day that i received the messages from my friend and from the girl. and the next day when i come to school, i pretended that i didn't know anything. that i didn't receive any text message from them cause i want to hear it straight from them.. but days pass i didn't hear anything especially from my friend. i asked him but he didn't tell. he wanted me to read it from his phone which i don't like, cause as i have said, i want to hear it straight from him/them. 

i can't control my anger then. i don't know what happened. i just started writing on my green pad paper. all my heartaches and anger. all that i want to say. then i continue it to my Facebook Notes. 

the next things that happened are vague to me. everything were blurred maybe because i'm so wasted. i can't think right during those times. since that day, i started staying away from my barkada. i eat alone with my other friend and some other classmates which eventually became my good friends. they give me some advice on what to to.in my situation. i also stopped texting the girl,

a few weeks later the girl and i talked. she said she missed the way we were. so we started texting her again and we brought back our friendship..

part 3 to follow ...please continue reading.. thanks everyone..=)