Next day was Christmas. I felt so alone although i'm not. i want to talk to the girl, i badly missed her. i madly want her that time. i really wanted to message her but i have to hold on to my promise that i won't talk to her until i am over her. I was successful for about a week. Just for a week (pagdating tala sa kanya ang weak ko!tsktsk).
On the 24th, i called her to greet her a Merry Chrismas. I was energized. i feel like something's changed in my mood after our conversation, the last time i felt that light feeling was before the tragedy in Bulacan.
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I begged. I begged her to choose me. I believed she still loves me although she chose my best friend. I have my reasons to believe, I cried. But my tears aren’t enough to win her back, to convince her to be with me again. I begged for I believed that she was just stuck in the words she said to my best friend. She had to fulfill her promise or some sort of that. I want her back and I don’t care anymore about my best friend. Masaktan sya kung masasaktan sya, wala akong pakialam kasi nasaktan na ako ng sobra.
I begged more than ones. Same things happen every time I beg her to choose me, rejection. But I don’t feel the trueness in her words that she loves my best friend.
I was numbed by the series of exposure to pain.
I stopped begging. I can’t take it anymore. I have to accept, I have to move on, and I want to give her peace of mind. I stopped… for a while. How about my happiness, my peace of mind. I can’t give what I don’t have. I wanted to pursue her although it is too late.
If I were to describe the feeling, it’s like I’m addicted to cocaine but I‘m starting to rehabilitate myself. Masakit sa puso. Sobra!
Speaking about cocaine, an illegal drug, I remembered the time I saw in the news the movies to watch for 2011 last January 12. And in the many movies mentioned, one hits me and left a mark in my mind the most, it is called “Love and Other Drugs”. It was shown in theaters last January 26, a few days after the girl’s birthday. the moment I heard the title, I told myself, “papanoorin ko to kasama sya.”
Nagipon ako para mapanoon naming ito anytime na magakaroon kami ng oras. January 29 ang nakita kong araw na pwede kami parehas dahil P.E. lang ang klase namin sa hapon, I was ready to ask her. All I needed was the chance to ask her. I was with her that day. I didn’t know why I wasn’t able to ask . maybe I was afraid that she rejects my offer.
I let the day pass. An number of my classmates went to SM to have fun. Later they watched a movie. I didn’t join because “they” were there. i went home.
A few hour later, I started receiving Group massages from my best friend and the girl that implies that they’ve watched the movie.. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Ganon ka lupit ang pagkakataon sa akin.
The next day I asked some friends of mine who watched a movie in SM. They said that they left in the middle of the film and what they did was they went to another mall and watched Love and Other Drugs there.
And I promised myself that I am not going to watch that movie anymore. I will just hurt myself. =’(
Pagkatapos ng araw ng araw na yun wala na akong maalala dahil nagdecide na ako na wala na,, hayaan ko nalang. Kahit sayang, wala na din naman akong magagawa. Sinisira ko na yung sarili ko sa dami ng bagay na natutunan ko na di ko naman ginagawa noon. Natuto akong uminom, at madalas na akong inuumaga ng uwi. Inuumaga man ako ng uwi, di naman ako gumagawa ng mga kabalbalan, kasama ko lang ang ilan sa mga kaibigan ko. Sinusubukang makalimot.
One of the most difficult part of this story is showing “I’m okay, I’ve moved on” to everyone especially to the two of them. I join them going home from school to Cubao. It’s really painful for me to see them every time they’re together. I wish I was in the position of my so called “best friend”.
Every time the three of us are together in a “picture” I made sure that I position myself somewhere where I don’t see them nor hear them. I walk maybe 3 or more meters ahead of them so I won’t see them together. I speak with great delight to show I’m good. I joke around to show I’m back to my old self. I was like theater actor hiding behind the smiles I show. One of m dreams has come to life and it’s true to life.
But the truth is, I’m dying inside second by second.
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